A friend told me about an uncomfortable situation that she encountered.  When she went to her nail salon, she ended up having two different manicurists work on her, as well as a pedicurist. She gave three $5.00 tips that day, instead of her usual two.  My friend then returned two weeks later to the salon, and the same thing happened.  This time she gave just two tips, instead of three.  After relaying the story to me to get my opinion, I told her that I think the whole incident was unusual, and two tips were fine.

            We often encounter uncomfortable situations like this where a service is involved.  If you are ever unsure of what to do, then feel free to discreetly ask someone when you check out at the front desk, or even the person giving the service.  For example, a nurse practitioner at my dermatologist once told me that you should not tip at a doctor’s office, so I was not leaving a tip at my chiropractor for my massage therapist.  My husband goes to the same chiropractor, and one day on his way to get a massage, he asked me if I had a $20.00 to give as a tip to the massage therapist.  When I questioned him, he told me his friend who goes there gives one too.  I ended up getting friendly with the massage therapist, and just outright asked her.  She said that people do tip her, but was very gracious about it, and said it was not necessary. 

            I have been asked the questions before if you should tip a Sommelier (wine steward), or a server in training at a restaurant.  (The answer is you should leave an appropriate tip with the bill, and the main server divides the tip accordingly with anyone else who serves your table.) In the case of a restaurant, the hostess would be a good person to ask this question to, or even your server in private, if possible. 

            People in any service industry are typically very honest and gracious about tipping situations.  If is typically uncomfortable or inappropriate to directly ask the person who is working with you, so discreetly ask a cashier or manager the appropriate amount to tip when in doubt.  The business will be grateful that you want to tip at all.

            Recently I had an experience with a parent having good sportsmanship, who is a dad in our neighborhood named Mike Corwin.  My son’s basketball team played his team about two weeks prior to the playoffs. They beat us, and after the game I saw him in the parking lot.  He obviously noticed I was a parent on the other team, and he said “good game.”  His nice gesture made a big impression on me.

We then had a rematch in the end of the season tournament.  The score was close the whole time, and both teams played their hearts out.  One of our players lined up for a free throw, and then missed.  One of the little boys on the other team clapped at his error.  Coach Corwin turned around and told nicely him this was not good sportsmanship.  I do not see that happen nearly enough. 

            On the sidelines Coach Corwin encouraged his players in a calm and positive way throughout the whole game, (and every game that I have seen him coach).  I never see him yell or get too frustrated, though I can tell he is competitive.  At the end of this very close game, my son’s team won.  Coach Corwin lined up with his players and shook the hand of all of our players, and congratulated them.  

I always say it is much easier to be a gracious winner that a gracious loser, and Mike Corwin is gracious in both cases.  He is not only a great example for the kids that he coaches and that compete against his team, but for the other parent coaches in his league.     

 Here are some helpful tips when you are invited to dinner at someone’s house:

·      Do not come empty handed.  A bottle of wine or flowers in a vase are always welcome gifts.  Try to bring something that your hostess does not have to take time to deal with, such as finding a vase for your flowers.

·      Offer to help with any preparations, from setting the table, to assisting with cooking, to keeping a young child(ren) occupied.

·      Do not sit down at the table until your host invites you to.

·      Put your napkin on your lap, and look to the hostess to begin eating.

·      Honestly compliment the cook on some aspect of the meal after a few bites.

·      Try to stay away from any controversial or offensive topics, such as politics or religion.

·      Do not tell any off-color or racy jokes.

·      If there are children present at the table, ask them questions to give them a chance to join the mealtime conversation.

·      Give everyone at the table a chance to participate in the conversation – do not dominate it and do all of the talking.

·      Only discuss things that are pleasant.  Now is not the time to bring up anything embarrassing or uncomfortable for your hosts.

·      Thank the cook for dinner after the meal is finished.

·      Offer to help clear the table.

·      Take note of how long you should stay after dinner.  You do not want to “eat and run,” but you also do not want to overstay your welcome.

·      Follow up with a phone call or note the next day to say thank you.

·      Reciprocate the dinner invitation as soon as you can, by inviting your hosts to your house, or treat them to a dinner out.

 Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

I had a dear friend join my husband and children for Christmas dinner this year. My friend said at least four times during the Christmas dinner "You slaved away all day long in the kitchen."  This friend has known me for 27 years and has been at my home before for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and knows I love to cook. I later asked her privately what she meant or what her point was, and she said, "If indeed I said that, well, you have my sympathy for cooking."
 How should someone respond to such unwelcome declarations of slavery and sympathy?

Thank you, 



M.B.

Dear M.B.,

If you were ever in a situation that you are insulted when someone is a guest in your home, I would handle it exactly like you did. Questioning her in private on what she meant by her comment let’s her know your feelings are hurt, and she said something that is insulting to you.  An appropriate response to “…you have my sympathy for cooking” can be something like, “No need for the sympathy. I love to cook, and love to entertain, and do not feel like a slave at all.  It gives me great joy to make a great meal for my family and friends, especially on a holiday.”  This type of response should make it clear that you did not appreciate her comment, and hopefully will prevent her from saying something like this again.  If it is said with a smile then it will get the point across, but not blow up into an uncomfortable argument.

Here are some helpful tips when you are invited to dinner at someone’s house:

·      Do not come empty handed.  A bottle of wine or flowers in a vase are always welcome gifts.

·      Offer to help with any preparations, from setting the table to assisting with cooking.

·      Do not sit down at the table until your host invites you to.

·      Start eating after the hostess takes her first bite of the meal.

·      Honestly compliment the cook on some aspect of the meal after a few bites.

·      Thank the cook for dinner after the meal is finished.

·      Offer to help clear the table.

·      Follow up with a phone call or note the next day to say thank you.