Funeral etiquette, acknowledgement

Posted @ 9/19/2011 10:59 AM By Elise

When someone you know has a loved one pass away, doing or saying nothing is the most comfortable thing to do, but is also the rudest. For showing the person that you are sorry for his loss, as well as following the rules of etiquette, here are some suggestions. 

As soon as you see the person, acknowledge his loss. If you will not be able to see him, then a phone call and/or handwritten note would be appropriate.

Find out when the wake and funeral are scheduled, and plan on attending. Funerals are not fun for most people, but remember that funerals are for the living, not for the dead. Going to the funeral of an acquaintance’s loved one will mean so much to the person.

Men should always dress in a dark coat and tie, and women should wear a conservative dress, skirt or suit.

If the person suffering the loss is your boss or your employee, attend the wake and funeral if it is in town. The office should also send flowers to the funeral home. If there is not a budget for this, then take up a collection from your coworkers, or, as the boss, pay for it out of your own pocket.

If you are sending flowers to an acquaintance or coworker, you should spend at least $25, preferably closer to $50 or more. If the person is a friend, then $50 or more for flowers or a donation to a favorite charity would be acceptable. 

If you are a friend of the family and are invited to a reception afterwards, bring food for the family. Bring it in a disposable container so the family does not have to return it to you.

If you find out about a funeral after the fact, acknowledge this as soon as possible in person and/or send a handwritten note. In the note, express your sympathy for the loss; an apology for not attending the funeral is also fine.

If you are the one with the loss of a loved one, write thank you notes to all who gave flowers and charitable donations, and brought food. If all or anyone who attended the services touches you, a written note would of course be appreciated.

Good Manners when you are Late

Posted @ 8/11/2011 5:01 PM By Elise

 

Being late at anything you do is considered rude, but sometimes is just happens. How to handle different late scenarios can be tricky, but the situation forgivable.   Here are some tips when you are late. 

            Late thank you notes are a common way we are late.  Life is busy and it is hard to find time to write a note, or sometimes we write it, and it gets lost in a paper shuffle, and we find it months later.  If you are late writing the note, thank the person for what you need to, and then the last paragraph you can mention how busy you have been.  An example would be:  “Things have been very busy lately, mostly because I got promoted at work.  Sorry I have not been in touch sooner.  Let’s get together when things slow down for me.”  If you wrote the note and it never got sent, go ahead and mail it right away.  The person will probably figure out what happened.  If they mention receiving the note, then you can tell them that it got lost and then found. If you feel like you need to give the person an explanation, then feel free to call him and explain what happened.

            When I am late with a gift, I always try to make light of the situation.  We all have seen the humorous belated birthday cards. I think people appreciate a birthday card or gift even if it is a late.  I was very late with a baby gift one time, so I wrote a note with the gift saying, “Wanted to get this to Johnny before he went off to college.”  The mother of the new baby was grateful for the gift, and the issue of the gift being late was never mentioned. 

            Lastly if you are late when going to someone’s house or meeting him somewhere, try to call or text as soon as you realize that you are going to be late. Communication about this makes the offense a lot more forgivable then just showing up with no prior explanation. 

Being late is hard to avoid all of the time, so use your best judgment in every situation, and do not make being late the norm in your life.  The saying “better late than never” always applies. 

            

Use Humor and Humility to Cover Bad Manners

Posted @ 7/12/2011 10:15 AM By Elise

A friend of mine was at her grandson’s ball game a few months ago.  She was speaking to the parents of the other children around her.  Her grandson was up to bat and did not do well.  One of the parents did not realize it was her grandson, and she started to say something negative about his performance.  My friend cut her off and said, “That is my grandson, so watch what you say.”  Knowing my friend she probably sort of laughed when she said it because she is a very nice person, and not confrontational. She called me and asked me if I thought that was too harsh of a response.  She felt like she was trying to save the situation before it got embarrassing.

            What should you do if you hear someone speak poorly of someone related to you, or that you are friends with?  I think using humor is always a good tool.  Humor makes an uncomfortable situation a lot more bearable for all parties involved.  If your son is up to bat, and someone makes the comment, “Who is that kid?  He has no idea how to play baseball!”  You can reply, “That is my son.  Are you saying Ron Washington and Nolan Ryan should fire him from The Texas Rangers?”  This will hopefully put the comment in perspective, and ease the embarrassment of the situation. 

            If you are the person who speaks before you think, and you criticize someone else’s child and they confront you, you have two choices.  One is to come clean and simply apologize, and say you were out of line. This seems like the right thing to do, but it is going to make the situation pretty awkward. The second choice is to try to make the situation lighter, and say something like, “Like I know what I am talking about. It is not like I could have done any better.”  Often it is hard to think of something to save the situation on the spot, so do the best you can to make your blunder forgivable. 

Rude Wedding Audience

Posted @ 6/21/2011 1:02 PM By Elise

 Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

I recently attended a friend’s wedding, and it was held in a hotel room.  The ceremony lasted about 45 minutes, and to my surprise, people kept talking among themselves, as well as getting up to get water and then taking it back to their seats. Do you think this was thought as acceptable because of the venue? The other factor is our friends are Indian, and it was a traditional Indian wedding, and was not in English.  Is there something in their culture that this is typical for an Indian-American wedding?

Anonymous

 

Dear Anonymous,

I checked a reliable source about American-Indian weddings, and this is not typical at all – even if held in a hotel room.  If a wedding or any kind of public ceremony is held in a church, hotel room, or even outdoors, coming and going during the ceremony is not acceptable.  Talking during a public ceremony is not polite either.  It would be understandable if the ceremony had gone on for several hours, and people had to get up to use the restroom.  If someone needed to get some water, it would be more polite to drink it before they get back to their seat.  When attending a wedding or any kind of public ceremony, audience members should be respectful of what is going on during the ceremony by keeping in their seats if possible, and staying silent.

 

Mind your manners as a dinner guest

Posted @ 2/15/2011 2:10 PM By Elise

 Dear Mrs. McVeigh,

I had a dear friend join my husband and children for Christmas dinner this year. My friend said at least four times during the Christmas dinner "You slaved away all day long in the kitchen."  This friend has known me for 27 years and has been at my home before for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and knows I love to cook. I later asked her privately what she meant or what her point was, and she said, "If indeed I said that, well, you have my sympathy for cooking."
 How should someone respond to such unwelcome declarations of slavery and sympathy?

Thank you, 



M.B.

 

Dear M.B.,

If you were ever in a situation that you are insulted when someone is a guest in your home, I would handle it exactly like you did. Questioning her in private on what she meant by her comment let’s her know your feelings are hurt, and she said something that is insulting to you.  An appropriate response to “…you have my sympathy for cooking” can be something like, “No need for the sympathy. I love to cook, and love to entertain, and do not feel like a slave at all.  It gives me great joy to make a great meal for my family and friends, especially on a holiday.”  This type of response should make it clear that you did not appreciate her comment, and hopefully will prevent her from saying something like this again.  If it is said with a smile then it will get the point across, but not blow up into an uncomfortable argument.

 

Here are some helpful tips when you are invited to dinner at someone’s house:

·      Do not come empty handed.  A bottle of wine or flowers in a vase are always welcome gifts.

·      Offer to help with any preparations, from setting the table to assisting with cooking.

·      Do not sit down at the table until your host invites you to.

·      Start eating after the hostess takes her first bite of the meal.

·      Honestly compliment the cook on some aspect of the meal after a few bites.

·      Thank the cook for dinner after the meal is finished.

·      Offer to help clear the table.

·      Follow up with a phone call or note the next day to say thank you.